40 Ways To Get Ready For Your Newfoundland

This list has been circulating around for quite a few years and I thought it would be fun to share it with you in case you haven’t seen it before. I added a few other things to the list but most of them are not mine. The author is unknown at this time but if any Newfie veterans know who the genius is behind this list I would love to give credit where credit is due!

No matter how many books you read or people you talk to, it’s hard to really grasp the reality of living with a Newfoundland. The closest you can get to the real thing is to go spend a few days with someone who already has a Newfoundland or grab a few sandbags and some other supplies and create the experience yourself.

40+ Ways To Get Ready For Your Newfoundland

Supplies you’ll need:

• sandbag
• pony
• hair gel
• cleats
• dog fur (ask your neighbor)
• mulch, grass, rocks, mud
• lotion
• chains
• friends
• chainsaw
• rubber hose
• pen cap
• yoga mat for stretching

Alright, let’s get started!

-Grab your yoga mat and stretch for at least 10 minutes

-Lift a hundred-pound bag of wet sand up and down the stairs

-Push a hundred-pound bag of wet sand into your car

-Borrow a pony and purchase a Dremel and practice dremeling the pony’s hooves while on your hands and knees. Be sure to remember to give him carrots

-Smear hair gel all over your walls and throw it on the ceiling and TV, while you are at it… smear the lower half of all windows, curtains, and glass doors

-Practice watching only the 4 corners of your T.V.

-Wear old football cleats and run and slide on your wood floors. Make sure you do a few spins too.

-Smear dog slobber in your hair and then go to the store.

-Invest in a paper towel company.

-Throw away all light-colored dress clothes, purses, and shoes

-Rub fur and gel into the roof of your vehicle

-Learn how to love the cold. Get rid of your cute puffer jacket and invest in winter bibs and a warm coat.

-Drip lotion out of the windows and down the sides of your car

-At least twice daily drop that bag of wet sand on your barefoot

-Shake balls of fur, mulch, and a bucket of dirt all over your house daily (add water for rainy days) for variety add bits of toilet paper, shaving cream, and feathers

-Throw chains and some of that gel on your stainless steel appliances

-Stand on your dishwasher door while it’s opened

-Practice repeating ” NEWFOUNDLAND….no, it’s not a St. Bernard…..150 pounds….4 cups a day….no, I don’t have a saddle” over and over again with a smile

 

-Carry around a drool towel stuffed in your pants all day.

-Volunteer at the zoo to help wash the large animals and clean up their poop

-Invite your friends over and have them all try to get in the bathroom while you are using it

-Have your husband or significant other stand outside the bathroom door and try to open it with their head.

-Grab a pile of snow and let it melt in the middle of the floor.

 

-Throw muddy wet rocks on the floor and walk on it in bare feet in the dark, you may not scream or you will wake someone

-Have someone operate a chainsaw outside your bedroom door all night…record this and play it every night right next to your ear

-Take a nice long piece of rubber hose and go around smacking all the coffee mugs off the end-tables and hit any close male in the privates and just smack your own legs a few times

-Take shampoo, egg whites, and a gal of water and make big puddles on your tile floors…..run through this windmilling your arms and yelling “One day I’m going to break my hip!”

-Pull back your sheets and fill your bed with a bag of yard clippings and sand, add a branch and a bone….. carefully re-make your bed…smear your pillow with hair gel

-Practice sleeping on the outside 6″ of your bed with no pillow and that wet bag of sand next to you…your blankets are to be under the bag of sand

-Practice telling people that your husband does NOT beat you, that those bruises are from your dogs

-Stuff your washer with your best bedding and another one of those bags of yard clippings and hair…..add a couple of branches and bones and run

-Remove your normal dryer vent and just run a temporary hose out your laundry window for venting hair

-Without smiling, offer to drive your friends for a dressy night out

-Bend all your eye-glasses and smear with more of that gel

-Invest in a vacuum company

-Take a pen cap and dig it into the top of your foot at least 4 times a day.

-Ask your veterinarian where his children are attending college and start forwarding checks to that address.

-Lay a sandbag in front of your sink, in front of the refrigerator, in front of the oven and in front of the dishwasher.. ..now cook Thanksgiving dinner.

-Stand at your back door from dawn till dark opening and closing it

-Hire someone to walk behind you all day and step on the back of your slippers

-Grab a Help ‘Em Up Harness and practice putting it on the sandbag.

Use this to lift the sandbag at least 25 times per day.

Don’t forget to carry it down the stairs this way too! (thanks to Annie for this one)

-Now, close your eyes and imagine a love like you’ve never felt before.

And do it all again for the next several years! 

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